It Ain’t Easy Being Green

Energy conservation is a big topic these days.  I completely support it.  Hybrid vehicles, recycling… you name it, I’m for it.  So I was all on board when UK College of Ag. decided to go green.  Then I realized that they had decided to go green… in the bathrooms.  With my head cocked like a confused puppy’s, I thought, “Okay… this is good… right?”  After a day of scouting out other bathrooms to use, the entire 3rd floor hit the newly re-opened bathrooms with the exuberance of 3-year-olds who’ve just learned how to use the can.  We all had curious expectations of how our bathroom routines might be impacted.

With giddy (yes, giddy.  I have worked there for two and a half years and I get excited over anything new) anticipation I entered a stall in the ladies room, and there it was… a green handle!  …and a sign. I was immediately disappointed, but decided to give the bad boy a go.  To flush liquid, one was to pull the handle up.  To flush… well the other stuff, one was to push the handle down.  I did my handle up business and yanked the handle towards the Heaven’s above, all the while wondering why the makers of this contraption wouldn’t have reversed the flushing mechanism.  I mean, aren’t we all more acclimated to push the handle down?  And don’t we all make more liquid waste than… the other stuff?  I immediately noticed the loud whoosh of energy efficiency; tons more air than water.  Brilliant! I thought, then looked down.  The toilet paper was still against the side of the commode.  Okay, I thought, That was fluke.  Let’s give it another go.  Handle towards the sky, again!  I looked down, again.  The toilet paper was still there.  Aw, forget it, I thought.  This time I pushed the handle down.  Finally, the toilet paper vacated the bowl.

More than slightly annoyed, I exited the stall to wash my hands.  I turned on the sink that used to gush blessedly hot water.  (In my humble opinion, if the College of Ag. wants to save money and become more green, they should be a bit less zealous about the AC in the summer)  Out came a pthhhhhh of water.  Nothing.  It was like the faucet was spitting on my hands.  Prior to going green, washing my hands took 20-30 seconds.  Now it takes oh… about 15 minutes.  How’s that for energy efficiency?  Weary over my bathroom experience and actually excited to get back to my desk, I hit the brand new “green” hand towel dispenser.  Vehhhhh.  About 3 inches of paper towel come out and it stops. So I wave my hand again.  Vehhhhh. Three more inches.  REALLY? I think. I take my 6 inches of paper towel and move to exit the bathroom.  Vehhhh. My shoulder has accidentally triggered 3 more inches of towel.  I walked out vowing to eliminate coffee, water, and all other forms of liquid from my weekday diet.

We are currently about 4 weeks into this energy efficiency experiment and I have learned a few things.  Number 1, I can’t live without coffee, water, or carbonated beverages.  Number 2, if you want to flush the toilet paper, you either have to strategically bank shot the wad of paper off your bare ass, or use the ‘handle down’ flush.  (Man, they were literal when they set it up liquid vs. solid!) Number 3, a little soap goes a long way when it comes to energy efficient sinks.  And number 4, (poor Kermie) it ain’t easy being green.